spikezebra

10:35 pm: Denying
I have always struggled with my demons.  Usually I win, but sometimes I don't and then I truly frustrate myself as I strive to recommit myself to living a more Christ centered life.  It's not like I am tempted to do anything truly heinous, but it is a temptation that should have no place in my mind and should not make me lose a righteous focus.

This past weekend I taught a HP lesson using an October 2011 General Conference address by Henry Eyring entitled, "A Witness".  As part of his address President Eyring quoted President Marion G. Romney from the October 1963 General Conference in which he stated: "In one who is wholly converted, desire for things [contrary] to the gospel of Jesus Christ has actually died, and substituted therefor is a love of God with a fixed and controlling determination to keep his commandments.”  I have always wanted my desires for things contrary to the gospel to die, but they don't.  However, I do feel the love of God and am determined to keep his commandments, but sometimes I don't.  So is am I not wholly converted, or am I just weak?  I truly believe the gospel to be true and that Christ is my Savior, but Satan knows my weak points and regularly throws temptations my way.  I usually win, but sometimes I don't.

Further into the Eyring address I then read a scriptural passage from Moroni 10:32:   “Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ.”  I have always wanted to have my desire for things unholy to die, but I have now discovered I can actually take an intermediary step by following this admonition given by Moroni.  I can just deny myself of all ungodliness.  And by this denial and declaring my love of God I can become perfected in Christ.  So for the past several days, when the temptations of the world press down upon me I find myself saying to myself, "Deny" and my focus then changes and I get on with life, whether that is continuing my work, finishing my lunch, or just walking down the hallway.  The temptation passes and I do feel better about myself as well as an increased love for God.  In spite of the temptation, whether from Satan or from self-imposed habits for the first time ever, I feel myself able to control my appetites in a way I thought wasn't possible.

So I recommend to all to deny yourself of ungodliness and maybe, just maybe, you will lose all desire for those ungodly things.

Tags: deny ungodliness

01:16 pm: I love our Gigi

My mother lives close to us now down here in Clovis and I am amazed at the time she requires.  I am not at all complaining, but appreciate being able to give back to her.  However, when we spend a day with her helping her cook her very special caramels, then spend that next day with her hand wrapping them in wax paper so that she can give them to friends and family, and then on the very next day she really wishes she could cook in her independent living apartment so that she could whip up a batch of her caramels it becomes a little exasperating.  Her desire is not based on her lack of cooking facilities, but on the fact that she just doesn't remember that she just gave caramels out to those around her.

Her short term memory is totally gone.  A most amazing phenomenon to witness.  I am grateful for the opportunity to increase my ability to be patient.  Getting even mildly perturbed confuses her because she doesn't know what she has done to cause it.  So we patiently try to point out to her what she has been doing without trying to frustrate her.

At times she does get very frustrated and I do believe it is at those times she is remembering how much doesn't remember.  I too get frustrated when I become aware of a shortcoming and suspect we have this similar demeanor in common.

04:26 pm: Selflessness as a virtue
 

I have not had the opportunity to be truly selfless for an extended period of time and that has been to my detriment.  I have pondered why my two older sons have matured so much faster than I have.  I often see them as much more mature than me even though I have many more years on them.  I do believe that they have had a period of selflessness in their life's experience that I was not privileged to go through.  I do understand that if I choose to be selfless then I can be so, but what I am specifically referring to is a period of time in life where the selflessness is somewhat imposed, and that you gladly submit yourself to it.

 

Both of my older sons went on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  The oldest went to South Africa and the middle son went to Germany.  They each spent two years in these foreign lands and cultures in service to God, church and their fellow men.  During this time of service a young man is either going to embrace the experience and succumb to a humility that can be gained in no other way or be overwhelmed and let the opportunity pass them by.  My sons both provided extraordinary service during their missionary years and they came home grown men, mature beyond their years.  Don’t get me wrong, they both still maintained their personalities and still had growth to obtain, but they had a head start due to a this missionary experience that was difficult to attain in any other way.  They have both become exceptional husbands and loving fathers.  I so wish that I had had that opportunity, but I was too self-absorbed at the time I was their age and thus missed out on this intense opportunity to immerse myself in service to others.

I do know that there are many who have this opportunity of selflessness and do not grow, do not mature, do not see things any differently.  I am not sure that this maturity during a mission is the norm.  I just know that my sons embraced the service they were immersed in and became better for it.

 

It is this selfishness that has taken me so long to overcome.  I often still look at the many opportunities before me with an eye toward self rather than an eye toward what I can do for others.  Although I am better at looking outward rather than inward it is a life long habit that has been hard to rid myself of.  I still tend to see mirrors of self-absorption rather than windows of opportunity.  It is not uncommon that I will massage a comment into a personal attack rather than accept it as an innocent observation.  I just did it today… again!

 

Life is too short to focus on self outside of committing yourself to Christ and the self-improvement that comes for that commitment.  Commitment to Christ demands service to others.  I am getting better.

03:08 pm: A Message from Beyond
 I had a restless night last night which is unfortunately typical of the night before I drive to my remote work and have to get up early.  I was walking up every couple of hours and then taking forever to fall back to sleep.  But I did fall asleep one last time so that the alarm woke me up at 4 am and my last dream was interesting.  I was looking in on a very homey looking home and saw my mother-in-law and father-in-law, both of whom passed away in the fall of 2007.  My mother-in-law was talking to her husband, asking his advice on something and then went into another room.  They both looked peaceful and there a true sense of love for each other.  The selfishness that we experienced from her in this life was nowhere to be found.  To suggest that there was an air of tolerance would only suggest that there was a reason for intolerance and I sensed there was none.  It was as I would have imagined they would be treating and reacting to each other in a celestial existence.  Now remember that this was a dream and I can only remember the last few moments of the dream, but I do remember that feeling of calm that I had.  However the most interesting thing that happened was what occurred just before I awoke.  As my mother-in-law turned from what she was doing, she looked straight at me and gave one of those "I am watching you" signs.  You know, you point at your eyes and then point those two fingers at the person.  It was a deliberate act directed towards me.  The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that she was warning me, or more accurately letting me know that she will be watching me to make sure I am taking care of her daughter.  Her look was loving, but pointed; concerned, but meaningful.  I was struck by her demeanor of caring and love, because it contrasted with the last several years of her life.

I really do love my wife and do not like it when I am less that loving towards her.  I am getting better, but still do lose my tolerance with her at times.  Even though this is my problem not hers, she does bear the brunt of my intolerance.  I will continue to work on it and pray that I can overcome.

07:14 pm: The Circle of Life

My, our life has been difficult since August.  We did move the wife’s parents from their home to live closer to us and it was wonderful to have them close, but much too short.  On September 15^th we moved her mother from the skilled nursing home in Oroville to one in Fresno.  She was very frail as she had been diagnosed with cancer at the end of August (so much for her feigned illness) and the trip was difficult for her.  She was able to see her husband one last time and then passed away on September 21^st.  So sudden!  The funeral was on the very next Friday (9/28) in Oroville since the wife’s parents had funeral insurance and had already paid for their burial plots.  My three oldest kids were able to attend and the two oldest boys transported the wife’s father to the funeral from Fresno.  During the funeral we sang one Grandee’s favorite hymns and the two sons were completely overwhelmed with emotion and the song was difficult for them.

 

My wife’s attention was then focused on her father who was living in an Independent Living facility and was enjoying this time of solitude and reflection.  She visited him daily and it was truly a delight to have him so close.   On October 7^th he was going to the bathroom at ~1 am and was not found until the wife went to visit him at about 8:30 am.  It was very hard on both of them.  Grandpa because he had struggled so much on the floor all night long and the wife for finding him in such a difficult state.  We called an ambulance who took him to the Veteran’s hospital which he never was able to leave.  His stomach cancer made eating very hard, thus making it problematic to swallow his medication.  On the 14^th, his good friend Keith visited from Oroville for the last time.  And on October 22^nd the wife’s father passed away.  Too soon… much too soon.  The funeral was held on the next Friday (10/26) in Oroville.

 

It is amazing that even though her parents were aged and not in the best of health passed away so quickly.  Both were totally unexpected, but when it is my turn to go, I do hope it happens as quickly.  The mixed blessing was that the wife did not have to come home to an empty house.  Every time she comes through the door she is leapt on by two very cute grandkids who she adores.  This has helped during this time of mourning.  The other thing that has helped is the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints teaches that we can be a family forever.  My wife was sealed to her parents for time and all eternity.  I have been sealed to my wife for time and all eternity and our children and grandchildren are all sealed to us.  In the afterlife we will see the wife’s parents again and be welcomed into their loving arms.  There is great comfort in this knowledge.

 

And what is the circle of life I am referring too?  My daughter is pregnant with her fifth child and my middle son’s wife is expecting their third child.  What a delight to welcome new life into the world.  The extended family is growing and it reminds us that life continues even when those that we love leave us.

 

09:18 pm: Family and Family
On the first weekend of August the middle son's family arrived in Clovis.  It was a very long day for his wife and two kids to travel from Michigan to California, change planes twice, and arrive at 10 pm Pacific time with two very sleepy little ones.  It is very nice to have them come to our home.  The wife and I have gotten very used to being alone in the home, so there will be a definite transition.  Okay, so the transition will primarily affect me since I can be the grumpy one when things get noisy and busy, but I really want to make this work.  I want the middle son's family to feel as though it is their home, not just a place for them to stay for awhile.  Late Sunday night the son also arrived in California after having driven from Michigan in three (no, actually it was two and a half) days... a yeoman's task.

And the wife it totally loving it.  Although we enjoy our alone time, we desperately missed our kids and their kids (our grandkids).  And the fact that they all lived in the Eastern time zone made our visits not nearly as often as we would have liked.  So to have a child and his family not only move close, but move very close is just too exciting.  Grandkids for the hugging whenever we want.

However, the second weekend of August was a very difficult one.  The wife's parents are old (82 and 89, I think) and have ailments some of which are quite serious.  Her father has stomach cancer and although he if very fortunate that it has not caused the serious pain cancer can often cause, he does lose blood at a brisk rate requiring regular transfusions.  And if this weren't difficult enough, her mother has decided to check out as well, but hers is a mental situation.  She had always vowed to die first and it seems as though she is making it a self fulfilling prophecy.  Her mental confusion becomes acute right around the time when the dad has a particular bad episode or receives more dire news.  My wife is the strongest person I know, so to see her struggle with her mom's attitudes and actions tells you how difficult things really are.

The good news is that both her parents have realized that they can no longer live alone in their home.  They have agreed to move into an assisted living facility in Fresno, much closer to the wife and her brother who lives in Selma.  So the current task is to find them a place.  The wife is very excited about having them closer.  The trips to Oroville are very difficult with both of us still working fulltime.  We both look forward to not having to make that trip any longer.  We are hoping to get them moved within the next two months.

Speaking of moving, my mother finally moved to Utah to live with my youngest brother and his family.  It was a difficult thing for my mother to do since she had lived in Oroville since 1948.  Lots and lots of acquantances that she was not eager to leave behind, but my brother built her a very nice addition to his home that will be her own fully contained space while still living close to family.  I am grateful for my brother's consideration.  I will truly miss seeing my mother as often as I was able to when she was in Oroville, but I do strongly believe this is for the best.

I have been regularly surprised by the various aspects of life that I had not previously anticipated.  As much I enjoyed raising my children with my wife, I was greatly surprised at the joy I have found in getting to know my kids as adults.  They are all just great people and have wonderful families (and yes, son #3 you will find such happiness in your life as well).  And this reverse of roles that we have with our parents as they age.  I did not anticipate how much they would need our care and love as they got older.  They have become dependent on us much as we were dependent on them when we were being raised by them.  I am thankful that we have such healthly relationships with them that they can trust us to do what is best for them even when it is not necessarily what they want to do.

Family is the most important experience of our lives.  For me it is all consuming and although I would like to do other things in my life, if all I were able to do was to interact with my family I would find if very rewarding and fulfilling.  I am truly blessed.

08:24 pm: South Carolina and Harry Potter

Last Wednesday, the wife and I jetted off to South Carolina.  The baby boy had just graduated with Honors from the Navy's Nuclear Engineering program.. a 24 week intense program of 8 hours of classes a day and many more hours spent studying to soak it all in.  He did great, looked great in his spiffy whites and it was great to see him.  His oldest brother drove up from Miami with his family to join in the celebration.  We swam, ate, swam, watched the Tour de France, ate some more, swam some more, played cards (the family favorite called Aw Shucks!) and just had fun together.

The heat was unbearable most of the time.  The temperature was in the 90's and so was the humidity.  We were sitting with our backs to the sun at the 9 am graduation ceremony and I personally was sweating profusely.  The added humidity adds a level of intensity to the sun that is significant and very tiring.  When we landed back in California on Saturday into 95 degree dry heat, it was remarkably comfortable when compared to the Southern oven we had just left.  People sarcastically joke about how the west has a dry heat, but the difference is dramatic if both are experienced within the same 24 hour period.

Our flight home was at 6 am EDT, so yours truly went to bed fairly early (about 10 pm), but the rest of the crew were sticking it out for the release of the final installment of the Harry Potter series which were to go on sale at midnight.  They went to the Walmart that was very close and stood in line with about 50 people.  They bought the books and traipsed home to fall in bed with little time left to head to the airport.  When the alarm went off at 3:45 am I got up to get ready and found my oldest reading on the couch and he was already several hundred pages into the book.  The good wife graciously bought a book for me to read on the trip home as well as one for her.  I did not finish mine until 4 days later, but it was a very good read.  The author did an excellent job of putting her protagonists in peril with seemingly no hope of escape and then extricating them in very creative ways that did not push the realm of probability the way some stories do.  Rowling wrapped all of the significant story lines and left this reader satisfied with the outcome.  I recommend this book to any and all.  She spins a good yarn.

09:37 am: The 4th and hot dogs

The wife and I spent the 4th with good friends.  It was about 103, but with the swimming pool and a shady backyard it turned out to be a wonderful day.  We bbq'ed trip tip roasts, bratwurt and hot dogs and it was accompanied by homemade potato salad, spinach salad, sauerkraut, baked beans, fresh pineapple and watermelon, rolls, buns; all to be followed by homemade ice cream (tutti frutti and pistachio).  It was good conversation and good food.  We ended the evening by setting off good ole' safe and sane fireworks in our cul de sac.  This type of fireworks is delightful, but not really anything spectacular, unlike those that my kids in Florida and Indiana get to shoot.  Those states allow pretty significant rockets and hand held devices.  It's too dry in California... too much fire danger.

We started that day off by watching the Nathans Hot Dog Eating championship and saw a new world record set by an American.  The first American to win international event in a number of years.  The winner ate 66 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes.  As discussed with the family we are not sure we could nor would be want to eat 66 hot dogs in a week, let alone 12 minutes.

I do believe I am fortunate to live in the greatest country on earth with all of its freedoms and opportunities.  I am however saddened by a concerted effort to silence those with dissenting opinions on both sides of the spectrum.  I realize that those in the extreme would just as soon shut out any thought that is not consistent with theirs, but as a whole we need to be able to air our views and although they may cause those in opposition to comment, they should not be shouted down and discarded out of hand.  You witness in countries such as Venezuela where simple freedoms are trampled down when it opposes the views of those in power.  That should never be allowed in a free society such as ours in America, but sometimes it happens and that is not just sad, but scary.  I do hope honest dialogue prevails forever in this great land.

08:40 pm: Moving Mom and Keeping Company

Spike and his wife went to Oroville to visit our parents.  It has always been a challenge to have both sets of parents living in the same community.  When our children were young, we always had to juggle who we visited and for how long.  This time we went to help my mom prepare for her move to live my brother in Utah.  My older brother who lives in Idaho was also there helping her with her finances and her paperwork.  The wife spent most of Saturday helping Spike's mom go through her closets, her large closets full of a half century of clothing and shoes.  We ended up hauling several large piles of clothes to the Rescue Mission.  We also cleaned out one of Mom's dressers and brought it back home to be used by Son#2 and his family who will be moving in in August and spend the better part of a year as part of their grand plan.

We also spent Friday night with the Wife's mom.  Her mom has had a difficult time since her stroke and gets very anxious when left alone.  The wife's dad had the opportunity to go to the Sacramento Temple and we gladly spent the evening with her mom so that dad could take advantage of that trip.  Dad went to be recorder for the youth temple baptisms.  He had a great time even though he got home about 11:30 pm.

The unfortunate part of the trip was the toll it took on the wife.  She has had back problems for decades and this trip caused significant pain and an apparent misalignment that stayed with her for several days.  I have a hard time with these flareups because they are completely out of my control.  The good thing was that she had a physical therapy appointment on Tuesday and the PT was able to provide some major relief.  When you love someone as much as Spike loves the wife it is very hard to see her in such pain.  I pray regularly for her health.

08:38 pm: The Beginning
The beginning starts with the creation of my first post.  My sons have blogs and I have been intrigued by their postings; their musings about things both superficial and profound, from sports to books to movies to religion and much more.

My family is my treasure... I cannot imagine life being grand without them.  Each family member adds a unique flavor to the quality of my life.  Yesterday I chatted online with video with two of my children.  I found it somewhat constrained.  When I speak with them on the phone we are apt to discuss many different things, but conversation flows.  While online it was distracting being able to see each other... we often just sat and looked at the screen.  Although it was very nice to see them, the conversation dragged.  I will most likely reserve it to chat with my grandkids since they love to see themselves and will be much more animated.

I travel for work and am typically away from home 4 days a week.  I am starting to tire of the regular travel, but realize it is necessary to reach the end goal of retirement.  I am not that far away although several financial goals must be realized first.